Meraki (Greek): doing something with soul

You see I get this tightness in my chest

It’s like the weight of a thousand elephants sitting on my lungs

And daring me to breathe

But, it’s the weight of a thousand words

A thousand patterns of words that fit together

So eloquently you’d think they were lovers who

Were bonded together by the sweat made by their love making

And I don’t know why I most often sit with this pressure

Because there is no release and as my mind swirls and goes

Somewhere far away from this body, this beating heart- this being

I am free but that in itself is earth changing

So I don’t go there I shy awake from the most primal of self connections that I know  because

Honestly, I don’t know if I want to be honest to myself.

Or, maybe its not that maybe its just that because I feel this magnitutude

Because I have gestated these thoughts

I know how saying them aloud will change me

I know that I will have to face the things that I can push back on my head

But have to reread on this paper.

I can’t remember which poet or author- but what really is the difference, that had

Wrote it,  but they wrote that if you want to be a writer you just have to write

And I don’t know about you but I know about me

I know that I hate being controlled but yet I crave those moments of paralyzing submission

I know that I smoke way too much but what has changed by me writing that omission down for 4 year

And I know that

The voice in my head whisper to me “but, why don’t you write?”