Meraki (Greek): doing something with soul

I don’t know much but I do know this: I wouldn’t be me with you.

The past haunts us and that we cannot control.

The ghosts that torment us, we know will never go away.

I just want you to be safe

And I pray to the moon that one day you will be happy.

In your bones I need you to know that I want you.

I always have and I always will.

I’ll be frack if you want to be frick

I promise, I will turn out the light next time without fighting you.

We are damaged and our being broken is not something we’ll ever really fix.

I think our scars make us beautiful.

We can learn to live with the shards of ourselves that we have left.

My heart aches for sound of yours.

The back of my knees misses your ice cold toes.

I’ll do my best to keep you warm as long as you let me.

Never forget me when you’re lying there feeling all alone lost and never found.

I’m sorry I left.

I hurt for you.

I had to in order to give us a stronger foundation.

I’ll always be home to hold you.

You are my Hope.

Lately I haven’t delved too deeply

I haven’t been looking for the things I know I’ll find

I’ve always faced this enemy

he stalks me

he eats me

he teases me.

This coward in me ignores the indignant roars of a lion

that sits placidly by most of the time these days.

As he slumbers half consciously no longer pleading with me

to get up and protect the pack.

The strength I have is no longer on display

and its easier this way.

The question then becomes how long can one defy nature.

How long till habits have been so altered they

are no longer habits at all.

I refuse to believe that this status quo is all I’ve got going for me.

Help, I can feel myself falling father and farther down this rabbit hole

and the darkness comforts me

because the light has been too blinding

to eye opening.

The present has made me, now more than ever, reflect on my past.

Why does it scare me to be treated they way my momma told me

I deserved.

How did the last four years wipe out the messages

that have been endlessly whispered to me.

My memories betray me, my actions dismay me

have could I have let you lay hands on me.

I knew all I’d ever be to you was another set of young perky tits.

This body I have been graced with

was once the a temple guarded

by a beautiful layed wall of ancient

sacred bricks.

This garden of purity was adorned with multitudes of flowers

and thousand year old trees.

That still bare their proclaimed love notes

from lovers long dead

they never stopped dancing for me as the sweet airs of innocents

swirled around my head evocatively.

This was a place where I was respected, revered.

It was somewhere I was free.

Life gave me lemons- I grabbed my bottle of tequila

shook that salt ever so seductively.

I lit a cigarette and I exhaled

all the things I previously knew to be true.

I took my clothes, you know the really tight ones

and I ran outta that palace

and I swore I would never look back

and here I am years later

staring at the now

dilapidated condition of my once invincible walls

wishing I knew how to walk back in

and take up my rightful place.  

When the sun sets and starts its unrelenting fade away

there is nothing that can be done to change what has already

happened that day.

Mistakes can’t be unmade nor words taken back

The song’s we sang

cannot be rewound from our of memories.

So, remember me; care free and dancing

I’ll never regret the beat.

As it moved me through me.

My heart knew the steps

the recently muted voice of my soul

whispers to me that this dance is called

being free.

And as my body swayed from side to side

back and forth

round and round

I knew that this dance was created for people like you and I.

When words words fall short- as they often do.

When looks don’t have the power to portray exactly how you feel

stand up and let the music move you.

Let it own you

consume you.

With the suddenness of its beginning the ending comes.

Being tired and spent I throw myself on the floor

It is here, breathing heavily that 

the simplicity of ‘happy’ hits me.